Slipping Through my Fingers
by CUtopia
Summary: Rolanda goes to see Severus for the last time...


For the "Spells, Charms and Curse Challenge" by D-Savano

**Avada Kadavra-**_Killing Curse. Write about a murder. __Alternatively write about the death of a loved one. _

I changed the setting because I liked the atmosphere created by the boathouse more then the one in the Shrieking Shack – forgive me ;)

So... this one was rather difficult to write, I hope it is okay...

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Rolanda was marked from the battle, like so many others. Her blonde hair was slightly singed, her clothes were covered with dirt and had rips, her lip was split and blood had dripped from a pretty deep cut on her temple, becoming encrusted on her cheek and in her hair. She probably had also some broken rips and her whole body must have been covered with bruises and other small injuries. The young witch simply looked like a mess, but she did not care. The battle had ended only hours ago and everyone was in a somewhat cheery mood, even with all the death friends that were lying in the Great Hall, but she felt as if a huge weight lasted on her heart. The thing that troubled her mind was the fact that she had still not seen him and she did not wanted to, but she felt that she had to see him to remove the weight, to release the tension in her body.

Slowly, nearly reluctant, she made her way down to the boathouse, passing the ruins that were left after the battle. The sun rose above the mountains, a light breeze was brushing through the trees and through her hair and it was not only the beginning of a new day, but also of new times, even though Rolanda was sure that she needed some time to feel it. She reached the boathouse and had to calm herself down by taking a few deep breaths, but suddenly her feet felt as if they were stuck to the ground. Closing her eyes for a brief second she gathered all her courage to finally make the next step and entered the boathouse.

Rolanda found herself simply standing there in the doorway, staring at the figure that leaned motionless against the window and she felt completely numb. She could not cry, she could not feel anything. It was as if she was watching herself from distance as she slowly moved forward and knelt down next to Severus, ignoring the bloody wound on his neck. His skin was paler then usual, almost greyish and felt cool as she reached out and ran her fingertips along his cheek, her hand slightly shaking. People had talked about his real role, that he had posed as a double agent and that he had always been on Dumbledores side and she had to admit that she felt relieved about that. It had been hard to actually believe that he had played a false game with all of them – and with her. He had once called her a friend and she had felt the same, she liked him and therefore his played betrayal had shattered her.

"I am so proud of you, Severus", she whispered and smiled sadly at him, not caring that he would never hear her words. "You were so brave!"

She leaned forward, stroking a strand of his black hair out of his face. He looked even younger now, so peaceful and... satisfied.

"Thank you", Rolanda murmured and pressed her lips against his temple, closing her eyes in the process. "And I am sorry... I am sorry that I tried to hate you... You did not deserve that..."

Her eyes could not look at anything else then her face and she tried to imagine what they would talk about if he was still alive. How would his dark eyes look at her, what would be his first words? She would never know. This finality made her feel hopeless and for the first time she broke the silence in the boathouse, drowning the soft sounds of the water with her sobs. Her body started to shake as all the walls she had build up in the previous months to protect herself from the pain and the cruelty of the world broke at once. Finally the tears came and she started to cry over Severus body, salty drops falling down on his face. She felt hurt, her heart aching in grief and she clenched her hands tightly, her fists landing on Severus chest as all her emotions started to crash down.

"You... I... you bloody idiot...", she screamed with a unsteady voice, hitting him again and again. "Why did you have to do this to me?! Why did you have to take my heart and then... run away?!"

Her fingers grabbed the fabric of his robes and she slightly shook his body as if she waited for a answer. She cursed loudly, then the anger was gone and she collapsed, her head resting on his chest as she continued to cry. Her world felt broken, her heart ripped apart by the loss... Rolanda slowly looked up, always hoping that her eyes would meet his in the next second, but it would never happen. She pressed her forehead against his temple, inhaling his scent by taking a deep breath, clutching his hand as she whispered with a unsteady voice:"I love you..."

She did not know how long she had sat there, crying over his dead body and telling him how she felt for him, not caring that he would never hear her saying this. At one points she had had no tears anymore, but she could not stop trying. She barely felt how firm but still soft hands pulled her away from his body, barely registered how strong arms carried her away. Rolanda was feeling empty, as if everything of her had slipped away, had left her with the last breath of the man she had loved more then she had known. Many had considered her as a strong woman, but she did not feel the strength anymore, instead she felt weak, lacking any energy. She spent days in the hospital wing, simply lying in the bed she had been given, staring into the air, doing nothing else then crying and sleeping. Pomona and Septima visited her from time to time giving her sad and concerned glances, Poppy would try to talk with her when she ran her medical checks, Filius would tell her about the reconstruction of Hogwarts... but she never really listened to them. She had been drifting around in her own depressing thoughts for days, until Minerva had visited her. Minerva had not showed pity, she had not tried to talk with her as if it was simple to go on with the normal life... no. Minerva McGonagall exactly knew what was going on inside Rolanda. The loss of the most loved person in their life´s connected them. Minerva would sit down on the chair next to Rolanda´s bed, take her hand and give her this look that told her that she understood. Understood the pain, the emptyness. She had given her time, she had been patient and the day Rolanda had finally been able to stand up, she had pulled her into a embrace and had whispered in her ear:"Stay strong. For him. He would not want you to give up on yourself!"

And Rolanda had listened. Had focused her eyes on the headmistress. And finally, she had reached out for the rope that would lead her out of the darkness that had captured her heart.


End file.
